Thursday, 24 March 2016

wikiHow: An Aliens Guide to Humanity

I know a lot of you out there are skeptical about the possibility of humans being invaded by aliens. But what if I told you it's possible they are already among us? Thanks to wikiHow Aliens would be able to learn how to be human and simply blend in....

How To Be Human:
This is an actual topic on wikiHow. In six simple steps (with accompanying pictures) you are able to learn the basics in blending in with the human race.
The reason I think this article particularly is directed at aliens is because of step 1... meet basic physical needs. If you are a human and you have lived long enough to google how to be human and you haven't been meeting basic physical needs, such as - Breathe Oxygen, Eat Edible Food and Drink Water, and finally Sleep - then I am going to seriously doubt the legitimacy of you being a human.
The rest of the article continues with equally great advice, get a house, make money, have social interactions, and it ends with Fall In Love.

Which brings us nicely to our next article...
How To Fall In Love (With Pictures):
This article details how to fall in love, starting with finding yourself (which admittedly is sweet).
It then goes on to talk about how you need to find the right person... but doesn't say how... So we can just jump to...

3 Ways To Pick Up A  Girl In A Club:
Yes.. I'm serious, there is a wikiHow article on how to pick up at the club. However this article reads a lot like A Sociopaths Guide to Human Interaction. With gems of advice ranging from - Breech The Touch Barrier, to Stick With The Same Woman Once You've Developed Some Chemistry but don't forget to Keep Conversations Brief and Direct.

While these seem like harmless things for the alien to learn it's what they can learn after they become human that concerns me the most...

How To Become A Dictator: 10 Steps (with Pictures)
That's right, in 10 easy steps you to can learn what it takes to be a dictator!
We start with 'Personal Keys To Absolute Power' where you are reminded that in order to rise to power you have to want to rise to power. Apparently no one becomes a dictator by mistake... You also have to be self centred, charismatic and trust no more than you need to (which is kind of vague).
Once you have the 'Personal Keys To Absolute Power' it's time to learn how to actually assume power. The first step being, just take over an existing dictatorship! It can't be that hard can it? I mean you do have the Personal Keys To Absolute Power... However if you aren't successful in overthrowing a pre-established dictatorship you just have to find a country that's ripe for the taking! Wiki:How recommends countries that are going through economic hardships or famine; of course having a weak or oppressive government doesn't hurt.

I am becoming more and more convinced that the sole purpose of wikiHow is to lead an alien invasion against us.

So keep your guard up, and look for anyone who is constantly checking their phone for a list reminding them to breathe, eat and sleep.

Friday, 18 March 2016

The Trump Terror

It's time we talk Trump. I know a lot of people have been talking about the latest of our reality TV stars turned politician Donald Trump. Following in the footsteps of Arnold Schwarzenegger (Governor of California) and Jerry Springer (the Democratic Mayor of Cincinnati, Ohio),Trump once again needs to try and outdo his competition by not running for something as trivial as Governor or Mayor, no, Trump needs to try and take on the big job - the President of the United States of America.

It was funny at first, don't get me wrong; he was a loud mouth buffoon making a mockery of democracy. That was until people started taking him seriously. That's when Mr Trump went from mildly entertaining to terrifying.

Things became even more terrifying as people who I know and love starting to side with Trump saying "He wasn't that bad," and "I think he might be what the USA needs." Now because these were people who I love, and I respect their opinions, I thought I would research what exactly Trump stands for and what exactly he plans to do for the USA (because let's be honest, he has never been clear on his stance when it comes to the debates.) What I discovered made me fear for the future more than the prospect of Fox doing another Fantastic Four Movie (disclaimer: watch the 2015 Fant4stic movie at your own risk).

Let's take a look at his policies -
Starting with Immigration, a hot topic at the moment as the world bands together to support the refugees spilling out of Syria, proving that the human race can pull together, ignore borders and help their fellow man... Except for Trump, who believes that. "A nation without borders is not a nation. We must build a wall on our southern border." This is taken from his official policy. Apparently Canada is fine without a wall, but he plans to build an actual wall (Anyone else picturing Berlin here?) between the USA and Mexico. Now how does the illustrious Mr Trump plan on paying for this wall? With the hardworking taxpayers money? Don't be ridiculous, he want's Mexico to pay for it! More specifically he is going to take the money that illegal immigrants are sending home so their families can afford food and shelter and use that money to build the wall. In 2013 this number was roughly 22 million dollars. This sounds like a lot of money, until you remember that Mr Trump values his own name at ten billion dollars, which is roughly 434 times the amount he is taking from these people to build his wall. This could also mean they will freeze the bank accounts of any business who employees an illegal immigrant, knowingly or not, and will reinstate the money once the employee has been fired and a "small fee" has been removed from the account to contribute towards the wall.

Then there is the "National e-verify" which is described as: "This simple messure will protect jobs for unemployed Americans." What does that even mean? It's so vague it's terrifying. How will this be implemented? There is already a serious problem with homeless Americans not being able to vote due to not having enough identification; if this 'national e-verify' goes ahead what is going to happen to americans who can't prove who they are? There simply isn't enough fact on this to do anything else but speculate, so let's move on to what is going to happen to people seeking refuge.

Will Donald Trump stand up and support fellow human beings who are fleeing from conflict and persecution? No, no he will not. Instead he will condemn any city who supports refugees by cutting funds to sanctuary cities. I hear you asking what a sanctuary city is? Well, it's any city participating in the "welcome movement" (currently 57 cities). These cities take in mass amounts of refugees who are fleeing war torn or otherwise devastated countries. Currently these cities get a federal grant to help house, educate, and rehabilitate these refugees into society. Under Trump these cities would get nothing.

He also plans to remove birthright citizenship. Currently if you are born in the USA you are a citizen (makes sense so far right?) but if Trump takes control then if your parents were illegal immigrants or even refugees and you were born in the USA you can have your citizenship revoked, despite not having any other citizenship.

That's just immigration, take a break now, go get a drink of water, have a pee, and we'll keep moving on when you return.

The scariest thing about Trump, and possibly the reason he is so popular, is that he has answers. They might be terrible, and in some cases the implications will be terrifying, but he will have answers. These answers will also be difficult for the Democratic Party to argue against. For example, let's take something that the Democrats have been fighting for since as long as I can remember, gun control.

To give you background statistics, in 2015, 1,447 people (give or take) were killed or injured through mass shootings across the USA. In Chicago alone, there have been 1,625 people shot in gang-controled areas. If the government cared about the actual number of deaths they would (as Obama is trying to do) make it harder to actually obtain these guns. Trumps answer to this, rather than restricting gun control, he will introduce a minimum jail sentence for anyone caught with an illegal firearm. Now he wants to focus mainly on the illegal guns in Chicago and Baltimore, the legal gun owners can feel free to buy as many guns as they want. But for now we will focus on Baltimore and Chicago.

Now these cities are where he wants to take good children/families out of and relocate them into better cities. Between this and sending anyone with an illegal firearm to prison, it's going to leave a lot of empty buildings. The prospect of what he might do with these buildings could be terrifying, I personally hope he is just going to make more failed condos for rich people, because an alternative is using it as a place to send any illegal immigrant that Mexico refuses to take back. And that has some truly horrifying implications (Anyone else thinking of a certain camp we saw during World War 2?).

The scariest part of all of this is that no one seems to be taking him seriously. For the longest time we was seen as a joke candidate, the one everyone wanted to watch so they could see him throw a tantrum. If he were 3 instead of 69, we would be sending him to his room for throwing said tantrum, not giving him what he wanted. We need to stop rewarding him for bad behaviour; ignore him when he lashes out, let him cry and throw his fists until he tuckers himself out. Do you really want the next president of the USA to be a misbehaving toddler in a toupee? I certainly don't.

Okay, I have made a lot of subtle (sometimes not so subtle) references to Trump being like Hitler. I'm sure this will make some people mad, because they can't bring themselves to believe anyone could be as evil as that. Well you should know that for years Trump slept with a copy of Hitler's sequel to Mien Kampf right next to his bed. This is confirmed by his ex wife who has also said he enjoyed studying and reading Hitlers speeches.

Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Madonna, Your Fans Deserve Better

Dear Madonna,

We can all respect that in your prime you were the pop princess of the '80s, however I feel like I need to remind you that it is no longer the '80s and you are no longer the pop princess you once were. Yes you still have fans, and yes they still love you. But having been 2 hours late to the stage here in Brisbane (4 hours late to another show), I have to wonder why they still have so much respect for you? I did some research and apparently you lost quite a lot of respect from your fans during this tour. Turns out saying "bitch I'm Madonna" doesn't have the same effect when you're 57 (soon to be 58) in 2016, when your fans have careers and families, oh and not to mention it was the middle of the working week. You may have a 'Rebel Heart' but that doesn't excuse the blatant disrespect you have for your fans, for the music industry, and for the people working with you. No one minds a late night, but if you're going to perform late, how about you don't advertise your show to start at 9pm? Okay, maybe you didn't have a choice in when the show started; but just like every other person with a job, when your boss says you have to show up at a certain time, you show up at that certain time. I won't get into the allegations that you were drunk, or even that you were lip-syncing the show, that would be petty.
I understand that sometimes things go wrong and you can't help but come on stage late. These things happen, we get it. However, this is not a one off. As far as my research shows, you haven't been on time once this tour (for Australia and New Zealand).
Madonna, it's time to start taking some responsibility. Because, and I'm sorry to say this but, you just aren't all that any more and your fans deserve more than what you gave them.
I hope we can see some changes for the rest of the tour.

Best Wishes
The World